I loved this book.  Stephanie Foo, of This American Life fame, combines exceptional storytelling with high quality journalism in this memoir about her experience of child abuse, neglect, and abandonment. The first part of the book is the story of her childhood, written with compassion and reflection.  But then, she shifts gears in the second part of the book, where the book follows her path learning about trauma and trying so many of the approaches to healing that are available from body work to EMDR, traditional and alternative therapies.  She reviews the research and data, then weaves that into her experiences in a way that was unique, interesting, and informative.  She holds herself responsible for the ways in which her unaddressed trauma made life for those around her more difficult, while also modeling the ability to recognize that and not beat herself up for what she did when she did not know better.  It is another really great read about abuse, resiliency, and healing.

Plus, she reads it herself and she has that podcast voice and cadence that is so recognizable.

Highly recommend

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The title and accompanying vignette were the only really good things about this book. I did love the little introductory story about porcupines getting cold and so they huddle for warmth, only to find that when they get too close to each other they prick each other with their quills and the pain of this causes them to move away from each other, only to get close again and then repeat the process.  As a metaphor for families in which we miss each other when we are apart, but upon coming together, hurt each other and thus retreat, I found it quite poignant.  Of course, the author did not make up that bit, but nevertheless the retelling of it touched my heart.  However, after that I found the book to be a set of pretentious reflections by a counselor counseling people she doesn't relate to and congratulating herself for eventually making connections and "getting them" / "helping them."  

Not recommended.
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It is particularly difficult to review a book like this when you are friends with the author, but nevertheless I will endeavor to be objective.  This is a niche read.  It is a delicate read about surviving sexual abuse in the context of Christian religion, about healing within the teachings of the church, and about finding meaning in a religious tradition that often seems to turn a deliberately cold and harsh shoulder to survivors. Having not struggled with this issue of situating abuse within a religious tradition, I found it fascinating to read about, while also feeling detached from the experience.  Many times, I just wondering why making such an effort to find love, meaning, and acceptance in a system with such a long and continuing history of abuse is hard for me to relate to, which is, of course, one of the reasons we read--to find understanding of someone else's experience.  I would imagine that for folks teaching about theology, religion, and abuse, and for those who have experience abuse within the church community, this would be a truly impactful read.  For other working with survivors, I think it provides insight into this particular struggle that is not commonly talked about.  I am not sure its appeal would be widespread enough for a recommendation, but I also don't not recommend it at all.

Not not recommended.
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The first section of this book pretty much tells you everything of interest in the book.  The author cites to a lot of good scientific data, but take at least some of those studies out of context, uses different language, and I think downplays the complexity of both the science and the experience of feeling stuck.  It feels hollow in places where there could have been a lot more depth and help that was tied to data and best practices instead of trite anecdotes. It is a quick read with some useful tips, but I definitely feel like it could have been summarized in a one-page TLDR (TooLongDidn'tRead) handout.  One the plus side, she makes it very clear that the book is not meant to address trauma or mental illness, which really cuts down on the readership audience and, for me, makes it way less interesting or relevant.  

Not recommended.

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In the past few years, it seems like these chaotic, comedic memoirs by people with mental health issues have become quite popular.  There is something about them, though, that I find off-putting.  In reflecting about why, I think it is not so much that I don't think you can joke about serious mental illness so much as that I think there should be some moments where there is an acknowledgement that things are not all humorous--that the hospitalizations, addict​ions, and repercussions of her actions have had negative impacts not only on her, but on her family.  She completely glosses over the many ways in which her situation has harmed her parents and sister, not to mention the other people in her life.  Humor might be her way of coping with this, but I felt like at some point in the book, there should have been a pause to honor the things that were hard instead of just jumping from joke to joke.

I will say, though, that as a child who grew up learning the Suzuki music method, the chapter on the cult of Suzuki was amazing.  I had as negative an experience with it as she did and despite having spent a lot of time trying to dissect the many ways in which I was harmed by my time in that program, which was like ten years from 3-13, I had not come up with many of the observations that she had about her time there, which was even more than mine.  I found her analysis of Suzuki music as a cult to be spot on and that it likely impacted me in similar ways it impacted her.  I liked this chapter so much, it almost warranted making the book a recommendation, but ultimately it wasn't enough to save it.

​Not recommended. 

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I do love a self-help book that is filled with useful suggestions that are neither judgey, nor self-aggrandizing.  So often, the authors come across as having figured out some magic solution to life and relationships that they are sure could help everyone, but in reality just piss me off.  I was expecting no less from this one, with its too-long-title.  In fact, I figured the book wouldn't offer anything more useful than what it told us in the title.  I, however, was quite surprised that you don't have to identify as a push-over or people pleaser for this book to provide some helpful tips on how to better to determine what boundaries you want, how to convey your feelings, and to live life more in line with how you want.  I read parts of it twice and the whole book made me think about some new strategies and approaches I can use in my life.  I will definitely be recommending this to folks.

​Recommend.

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Let's just start right out of the gate with this: I hated this book.  A lot.  Her trite, condescending advice about how to live life in a busy world by opting out of the kinds of things that I find make my life fulfilling really got under my skin.  Some examples that did not resonate with me:

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She wakes up at 4:30 am three to four days a week to pray.

Every morning, she starts her day by drinking a full glass of water, which she sets out the night before for herself.

She wakes up her children every morning at 6:10 am and then goes back to bed for 10 minutes, which she calls her "million dollar minutes" to "visit and laugh with" her husband.  

She has created a "laundry automation that she has taught her children so that every Tuesday is laundry day.

Several times a year, she goes through the medicine cabinet and disposes of all expired medication.

She keeps her work and home life completely separate, not even checking her work email while she is not working.

Every Sunday, they have weekly family planning sessions with the children in which they all participate in decided what not to do that week.

When her husband's car broke down and his expensive, life-long dream car was magically available for sale right then, she was excited to say yes to him, even though it was out of their budget.

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She tells us over and over how she takes care of herself physically. spiritually, and emotionally because of this morning routine and, wait for it, the system of journaling and calendaring that you can buy from her.  Her system includes saying no to public service and involvement, to connecting with community, and to basically doing anything that would interfere with her systems and the way she runs her family.  It wasn't just that she clearly benefits from other parents doing the volunteer work for the organizations it appears her children benefit from that bugged me, it was that she seemed to be smirking about how she had found a way not to get sucked into doing anything and the rest of us that do those things are somehow the ones who are missing out on the joy of not doing those things.  Now, I am the first to admit that I am overextended and lack the best boundaries, but this book reeked of the kind of sub-urban, wealthy privilege I just cannot stand. No, thank you.

​Not recommended.
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This was a really interesting read. I was pretty skeptical before I started it and even more so when she disclaims at the beginning that she is going to be talking about the topic in the context of her relationship with God in such as way that she means to convey she is Christian and that the book should be taken in that context. This was pretty off-putting to me, since I recommend books like this to many clients and here in Oregon, this type of an introduction immediately eliminates a huge portion of the potential audience. The fact that she did this was so odd because she does not come back to this theme at all until the very end of the book and she could have entirely eliminated it and the book would have been no worse (and probably better) for it.

The book has a lot of things going for it and I particularly like two things. First, it does not conflate what she calls "relationship trauma" with post-traumatic stress disorder. This is a current pet peeve of mine as I see more and more people with a PTSD diagnosis who have had bad things happen to them, like having their spouse serially cheat on them (which is what this book is about), but who have not experienced intimate partner or sexual violence. To me, these are not the same thing and we take away from the experience of survivors of intimate violence when we equate experiences of violence with other types of hard things that people go through. I really liked how this book was able to situate betrayal as something unique and different than violence, not by minimizing it, but also by not equating it. She has a lot to say about what it is like to experience betrayal and I found much of it to be a new take that many people in these situations will find helpful.

The second thing that I really liked about the book is how she situates healing from betrayal in the context of attachment theory and in the context of the data that we have about attachment theory. Since betrayal is a rupture in attachment, healing has to be done in relationship with people as you examine and find new or different attachments. This part of the book I found particularly insightful and contained ideas and information that I will likely convey to clients and friends experiencing and healing from relationship betrayals.

For folks thinking about relationship ruptures and how to help people move beyond those, I think this book has a lot to offer.

​Recommend.

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Once you get past the title of the book, it really has nothing to offer.  Worse than that, there are parts that I found harmful and offensive.  The author was born in 1938 and the book was written in 1987, which might have been good to know before I read it because I might have been slightly less harsh is I had known this along the way.  The book had such an offensive lack of understanding about trauma, disability, and abuse and such an incredible lack of insight about privilege, I could barely get through the book.

It felt like a 1980's self-help book about how to think your way into a happy life with positive affirmations and focusing on always seeing the best in everything.  

Don't even get me started on the disturbing vignettes, like the one about Charles, who is "handicapped" and uses a wheelchair, but is "so inspiring" how he does motivational speaking for kids. He dances with them in his chair and tells them if he can get out there and dance, so can they.  His ability to think positively, to "feel his fear and do it anyway" lets him answer questions like how does he go to the bathroom and remind others that they should appreciate what they have--the implication being that people should be grateful for their lives in which they are not "like Charles."  Just barf.  Cue touching story about the mother whose inability to let herself feel the grief following the death of her child led to epilepsy that when into remission after she started going to a support group where she let herself feel her feelings.  Epilepsy cured. The end.

As is this is not enough, there is an entire section that turns into a recurring theme about the importance of "saying yes," even when you are very scared.  I don't think she actually meant this to sound like she was saying that if you just "said yes" instead of resisting then you wouldn't be a victim, but when she said that if you "say yes" to things when you are really scared and did them anyway, you might enjoy it and not "be a victim" it sure sounded like problematic messaging about rape.  Some related quotes: "We are all winners when we say yes." "Saying yes will make you feel better."  "Saying yes will improve your relationship with the universe.  It will improve your relationships with other people around you."  

Another lesson for people who have experienced terrible things at the hands of other people is for them to meditate in a dark, quiet space and "wish white like and good things to everyone who ever hurt you."  You should do this day after day until you are no longer angry at them and no longer angry at yourself for being angry at them.  Do this for one person at a time, day after day, until you have found peace with all of them and yourself.  Cue touching story about an adult child who tells him mother it is ok that he was horribly neglectful to him while he was growing up because it allowed him to learn independence during that time.  It is the "victim mentality" that makes things hard, so you have to let go of any resentments you have.  

She tells us to remember that if you accept the pain in your life as something positive, then you won't be a victim anymore.  Security, she write, isn't about having money, it is about developing an attitude that you know you will be fine without it.  

I will leave you with one other moment in the book that struck me as particularly...problematic.  She says that when a friend recommended that she read Man's Search for Meaning, she didn't want to read because she had always avoided anything that had to do with the Holocaust because it was too hard a topic for her to handle.  I just am not interested in positive thinking life advice from anyone who doesn't think they can handle reading a book about the Holocaust.  Moreover, she goes on to say how meaningful she found the book because it reminded her that she has so much to be grateful for and positive about in her own life.  

I. Just. Can't. With. The. 1980's. White. Women. Anymore.

​Do not recommend.

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If you have any idea why this made it onto my reading list or what I was thinking when I decided to read it, please let me know because I have no idea why on earth I read this book.  It was just terrible.  I could have stopped after the description [Immerse yourself in the twenty-four maneuvers and strategies of the seductive process, the ritual by which a seducer gains mastery over his target.] and been all the happier for it.  It is like a superficial academic exploration of power, control, and manipulation for the purpose of selfish motives while embracing toxic, stereotypically masculine approaches to relationships and interpersonal dynamics.  No thanks.

Not recommended.